Why Stay-at-home-Moms Shouldn't Feel Guilty About Day Care
Why a Mommy Salary Makes Sense
Why Your Child Should Be Reading by SIX MONTHS! DON'T FALL BEHIND!
What has intrigued me more are not the actual articles, but the reactions TO the articles. Not only do people passionately agree with the article, but they even more passionately disagree with the article. It reinforces the idea that raising a child is a complicated business, and if you're going to succeed in this business of Mommyhood, then you better toughen up your skin!
It starts when your pregnant. Random strangers walk up to you and start conversations that go something like this....
"When is the baby due? Is it a boy or a girl? Do you have a name picked out? Are you excited? How much weight have you gained? Are you going to breastfeed?..."
You somewhat politely try to respond as you tear their hands from your belly when it suddenly hits you - a total stranger is asking you about your weight and your boobs.
Resist the urge to go into a hormone fueled rant about how you were just trying to purchase some God damn chocolate and it's none of their God damn business how many pounds you put on because you look beautiful no matter what and the Dr. said it was ok that you gained 10 pounds in a month.
Whew, I feel better now that I got that off my chest.
It's not just that they are asking about your bosoms, but they then feel the need to give their opinion on breastfeeding.
"It's the most natural thing in the world. Bottles are way more convenient. It's so healthy. You're crazy to nurse. You'll lose so much weight."
The opinions can become suffocating as they make you second guess everything you're planning on doing when the baby arrives.
Lucky for me, I already knew what kind of a Mom I wanted to be and I wasn't willing to let the opinions of others change my mind.
I tried very hard to breastfeed Brody when he was born. We went through six weeks of hell. Turns out he was tongue tied severely enough that it was preventing him from transferring milk. It took me six weeks of trying to nurse, visiting the hospital's Lactation Consultant THREE times, seeing my counties breastfeeding expert, and having a home visit from the county nurse to figure out why Brody wasn't eating.
I spent six weeks listening to the world around me telling me to quit trying to nurse and just give him a bottle. Six weeks of being told that nursing isn't that big of a deal and babies that get formula are just as healthy. Over and over and over I heard this.
But it wasn't as simple as just giving him a bottle and everything will be better. He couldn't drink milk from my breast, he couldn't drink milk from a bottle nipple, and he was a hungry baby.
By the time we got his tongue clipped at six weeks (another controversial subject that I had to hear about from the world), my breasts had been through hell and back. My Dr. said he never seen a woman with nipples that were so torn apart. They were hamburger. Brody had developed horrible nursing habits from spending the first six weeks of his life trying anything to get milk into his tummy. It was pretty clear that my breasts needed a break from my child in order heal, so I began to pump my milk.
For those that have never been around a woman using a breast pump - it's a lengthy process. I pumped 6-7 times a day. For most women it takes about twenty minutes each time. I was special. Brody had spent so much time nursing that he had over stimulated my body and my milk production went crazy. I could have EASILY fed twins and still had milk to spare. My morning pumping session would take an hour. The other 6 sessions would take 30 minutes.
It's not just that you have to find time to sit down and pump while keeping a newborn happy, but you then have you wash all of your equipment after each use. Add ten minutes to the routine for cleaning. Then you have to store the milk. Add five minutes. Then add in the time it takes to thaw the frozen milk, warm the bottle, and feed the child. Add in the time it takes to wash bottles.
My day started to look something like this....
- Pump
- Wash parts, store milk
- Make bottle
- Feed baby
- Change baby
- Wash bottles
- 20 minutes of free time - do laundry, take shower, keep baby happy
- Repeat from Step 1
That was humiliating. Being told to go into the WIC program so that I could afford to purchase powdered milk for my child when I was producing more milk than he could ever drink in a day.
I viewed my milk as liquid gold. Nectar from the Gods. I was giving my child a healthy start and I was proud of that.
When my maternity leave was over I returned to work and had to figure out how to maintain a pumping schedule with a professional schedule. It was my return to work that really made me hear societies views of my parenting style.
"How long do you plan on pumping? Why don't you just buy formula? Don't you want your time back? There are a lot of babies that are formula fed and they're just fine. Don't you think you're being a little extreme?"
Christmas came around and when I politely excused myself from a party so that I could pump a person I just met exclaimed very loudly that my baby was six months old and it was disgusting that I was still breastfeeding - even it the breast milk was coming from a bottle.
It had been my intention from Day 1 that I would nurse Brody until he was a year. I didn't understand why people were so upset that I was spending my time playing Dairy Cow in order to feed my child. Was my pumping habit interrupting their day? No. Did they have to watch me pump? No. Did they have to watch my child so I could pump? No.
So why did they care so damn much?
As I traveled home for Christmas I developed mastitis. The infection hit me hard. It was painful and my body felt like it had the worst flu ever. I kept pumping throughout the infection and again, people thought I was crazy.
The infection killed my amazing milk supply. I went from storing 20-30 oz of milk in my freezer a day, to barely producing enough to feed my child for the day. I was disappointed, but in a way this was ok. I had already filled on small chest freezer full of milk, and part of our large chest freezer as well. I was running out of room.
Then in the spring my husband and I went on a wonderful belated honeymoon to Vail, CO. It was a free trip that our friends helped us win so that we could take the honeymoon we never got due to his injury in Iraq. The second day of the trip I fell snowboarding and snapped my wrist in half.
Pumping with a broken wrist doesn't work. I had to stop.
I was disappointed that I had to stop and I knew I didn't have enough frozen stock to get Brody to a year. I was, however, very proud of myself for sticking to my belief that I was doing the best possible thing for my child and NOT listening to the world around me.
Brody made it to nine months with just my milk, and I'm VERY proud of that. I worked hard for that milk! He has been a very healthy child and at the age of 14 months has only had the need for antibiotics once to treat an ear infection.
For those that are opposed to breastfeeding, they tell me he's been healthy because I'm a horrible Mom who keeps my child secluded in our house and away from children in daycare where he belongs.
I've learned to shrug my shoulders and say, yup - you might be correct. All I know is that if the decisions I have made as a parent produce a healthy and happy child then I must be doing something right. So go ahead society, keep on telling me how wrong I am. My skin is tough.
Simplicity used to be finding information from friends and relatives what worked for them to put a baby to sleep. Trying what they did and inventing your own style. The technology that we so enjoy today has interrupted the personal face to face interactions of people. And for many, using the phone to speak to someone rather than texting someone. There is a lot to be said about experience beyond what is written.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot out there that is helpful but just as much on the web that keeps you away from simply being in the moment with your family (not meaning you personally - just generally).
Good for you for sticking to your guns about how to raise your child. My children did not attend any daycare program and I think they turned out alright (of course, they are still growing). I am sure you will weather through this storm of information and opinions very well.
Glad I found your blog!
I honestly don't know what I might say. This post actually leaves me speechless. Just do the best you can, Josie.
ReplyDeleteRPL
Soldiers Angels
when i was growing up my parents always told me that you can never tell anyone how to raise their child. (they also told me that if i ever got a mouse, snake, bunny, or ferret they would feed it to my cats) However! I know they were right when they told me the first part. Everyone has their own techniques, styles, and wishes for their child and you cant tell them any other way. Not just because most people are stubborn and are going to hate you if you give them your opinion but because i dont think there is any 'right' or 'wrong' way to raise your kid. As long as their getting fed, getting changed, and living in a safe household what does it matter whether you breast feed, formula feed or whatever. Either way the child grows up to be happy and healthy. I'm really glad that you stuck to your opinion and did what you wanted to do with your baby because its not really up to anyone else to decide what you want to do. We need more strong willed people in this world to stick to their values and do what they want to do. It sucks that you couldn't continue to breastfeed him until he was a year old but its good that you did it for as long as was possible and you didn't give in to anyone elses whims.
ReplyDeleteIt's all about finding what works well for you and your child. Unless it is actually endangering or neglecting your child then who are we to pass judgement.
ReplyDeleteIt's become a sad world in which we constantly criticize each other over making the decision to breastfeed, use daycare, co-sleep, etc... Where do we get off asking those types of questions and then judging others because they choose to do something different than what we would do?